It is amazing how the process of memorizing 1 Thessalonians has opened my eyes to little things I had not noticed in merely reading it. At this point, I have worked through the first three chapters, more or less. There are still a couple places I can't remember the wording. There are also times I completely leave out a few sentences only to realize the omission several verses or chapters later. I'll get it down in due time--whenever that is.
So, what has jumped out at me? First off, I was surprised that the love, compassion, and concern Paul, Silas, and Timothy had for the new believers was so strong. For some reason, I didn't expect that (#1) a group of men would describe their love of the new believers in terms of a mother tending to her children; that (#2) dealing with them as a father deals with his children would include the word 'comforting'. 'Encouraging' and 'urging' from a father seems completely natural, but for some odd reason I associate comforting with a mother, not a father. Then (#3) when this group of men was forced to leave town after spending only three Sabbaths there, the apostles express an 'intense longing' to see the church at Thessaloniki, and to know how they are doing. As they said, "We can hardly stand it."
At first, I thought I was increasing my knowledge of Paul by learning that he was more than an educated man on fire for the Lord. He was also a passionate man who was not afraid to express his feelings of love and compassion. He also as not afraid to openly express his fears. "I was afraid that somehow the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless." I wondered if this freedom of emotional expression was due to his culture or to his amazing encounter with the Lord. It could have been either or both. I don't know. But I do know this, strong feelings like these men had are foreign to me personally. I have no idea what intense longing feels like. I also have never loved anyone, other than my own family, as a mother tending her little children. Somewhere in this earthly body that houses a woman named Jan is a blockage that keeps me from either feeling or allowing myself to feel. Part of it stems from my upbringing, but that is no excuse. Something bigger prevents the Lord's love for me from being emotionally felt for or expressed to others.
I will let that last sentence stand, but upon further thought, I do express my love for others, but not by saying, "I love you." I am getting better about that, but I find it hard to say it in those words. Although my emotions remain largely unseen, encouraging, comforting words from my mouth speak loudly and clearly, as do my actions, reactions, and responses. I do what I do, and say what I say because that is what is on my heart to do and say. not because I am filled with an intense, heart-felt love toward, or intense longing for, the people involved.
I could try to say that I am honestly okay with things the way they are, but I can't do that. How can I actively, sincerely, and compassionately tell people that God loves them when I am not aware of feeling that way toward them myself? I want to be at the place that I can't stand not knowing if the shopper at Walmart or the picnicker at the park is in need of prayer and healing for a physical malady, or if they need to know Jesus. I want what Paul, Silas, and Timothy had--a heart of Love that overflows to all I meet as well as one that can't stand not knowing how they were doing through their afflictions.
Lord, I am afraid parts of my heart are still stony and wrapped in barbed wire. Break the stone, remove the wire, and completely replace what is there. Give me a heart that breaks and grieves as yours, cries and rejoices as yours, and Lord, may it overflow with Love as yours. Amen
Jan
Scripture used or referred to are found in 1 Thessalonians 1-3.
The image of a stony, barbed wire wrapped heart comes from a self portrait I drew for my second therapy session in 2009.
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