What Engine Is Pulling Your Train?

During my first year of therapy, my Dr. kept asking me how I felt during different activities. For example, after visiting my husband in prison, she asked what I was feeling while driving there, while waiting for him to come to the visiting area, when I first saw him come in, etc., etc., etc. Those who have been reading my blog for awhile might have figured out I don't like to think about or discuss how I feel. Just let me do what I have to do and leave it at that.

Anyway, my answer to the question about what I felt while driving to the prison was, "What do I feel driving to the grocery store? I just drive. There are no emotions involved."

A discussion about recognizing and understanding my emotions ensued. In the process she told me something I remembered yesterday while cheering the Seahawks on to victory. She said something like this, "What we do, the decisions we make, etc. are driven primarily by two things--emotions and logic/reason. These are the engines that pull our train, so to speak. Both engines are on our train and are involved in our mental processes.  Some of us are pulled primarily by our emotional engine, but somewhere along the line the logic/reason engine steps in. This can prevent a derailment.

Others of us are primarily pulled by the logic/reason engine. Again, as before, the other engine, the emotion engine steps in to help out. As a result we don't miss out on "beauty" of the trip and the people along the way."

Then came the question I was dreading. "What engine is pulling your train?" Of course the answer took no thought at all. It was the logic/reason engine. But what I told her next surprised even me. "The emotion engine isn't even on my train. It got left on a siding somewhere."

I am happy to say that it is back on the train again, but still plays a very minor part. At least I can much more readily recognize emotions that arise--especially during sporting events like my grand-kids' basketball games and the Seahawks' wins and losses. I can finally cheer with the best of them. At least that is a start.

That is where I was yesterday, thinking about what engine was pulling my train. Now, today, other   questions have arisen. One is, "Am I a train that is working hard, seemingly with a purpose, or am I like the little toy train going around and round in an endless circle, seemingly without purpose.

The toy is the kind of train I thought I was until I realized that sometimes going around and around the same track is a means of renewal. There are no big decisions to be made, or uncertainties to face. I can rest and enjoy what I have and rediscover who I am. Besides, that little toy brings joy to those who watch it. There is a certainty about that little engine and the cars it pulls. Going around in circles does not have to be without purpose. I can bring joy just by being there while resting at the same time. Then when the time comes, I must be willing to be placed on a different track.

On rare occasion I am a train, seemingly with a purpose, going, going, going. Doing, doing, doing. Bystanders wave as I clickety-clack past them and wonder how I do it. Sadly, all the busyness can be without purpose.

Whatever kind of train I am (and the choices are many) the most important question I must ask is, "Who is the engineer, the one planning the trip, loading the cargo, making important stops for unloading, repairs, rest, and whatever else is needed? Who is the engineer who decides when to change engines, who knows when the emotion engine needs to jump into action, and when logic/reason need to kick in? Who decides what track I travel on?

If I am to truly be a train with a purpose, I need to get myself out of the engineer's position, put Christ in his rightful place, and do the work or make the most of the renewal he plans for me.

And, for me, make sure I have the emotion engine hooked up.

Happy chuggin. Clickety-clack, clickety-clack. Whoooooo, whooooooo!

See you at the round house.

Jan