Wedding Day

It seems like only yesterday that I held a beautiful bundle of baby boy in my arms, my first child, my son. I loved cuddling him, watching him sleep, and seeing him discover his ever expanding world. That little guy filled me with awe, wonder, and joy. How long has it really been? Just over forty-seven years, now. Wow.

It seems like only a few hours ago I was hurriedly driving in the dark of night from my home to the big city hospital with my son and daughter-in-law in the back seat.  She had gone into early labor during a weekend visit. It wasn't long until I once again held a beautiful bundle of baby boy in my arms, my first grandchild, my son's son. How long has it really been?  Just over twenty-two years, now.  Wow. 


It seems like only minutes from now that my first grandson will bring a beautiful, young, Christian woman into our family when they exchange their "I dos" before God, family, and friends.  Wow.  Where have the years gone? They have been good times.


The wedding that seems like just minutes away is actually ten hours from now. Flowers still need to be arranged as the church is readied. Hair needs to be styled, makeup applied, and beautiful dresses donned as the ladies get ready. The teenage girls will be bursting with excitement as they primp and giggle before mirrors. The guys? They are going to play golf. Then they will be putting on their tuxes. The rain, will it come or stay away? Who knows. And the bride and groom? Excited, happy, and overwhelmed as they continue crossing items off their to-do lists. This day will be filled with adventure, excitement, unknowns, and firsts. But above all, it will be a day filled with smiles as God blesses the union of two very special people and two very special families.


Thank you, Lord.


Years ago Jesus blessed a wedding in Cana of Galilee by performing his very first miracle after a need had been recognized--they had run out of wine. Jesus requested the servants fill jugs with ordinary water, then he changed it into the very best drink from the fruit of the vine. That is what Jesus does. He change things--not only water, but also lives and relationships.


It is my prayer that as this young couple begins a new life together, they will be constantly aware of Christ's presence in their midst, they will recognize their times of need, and will let Jesus change their "ordinary" water into his extraordinary "wine".  

My Bucket List

How many of us have made bucket lists? Not I.  It seems like anyone who is anyone has such a list, so I thought I had better get busy if I want to be someone, which I'm not sure I do.  Anyway, here is my bucket list.  I am putting it together as I sit here trying to think. That's not easy when I've had only a few sips of coffee.  Oh!  I'm not drinking coffee today am I?  I had some yesterday. Let me see now, buckets...

• Four plastic 5 gallon buckets with handles and lids--in garage
• Two plastic 5 gallon buckets, handle-less, lidless, cracked--next to garbage can
• Two plastic 5 gallon buckets, with handles, lidless, filled with weeds and rain water--on the far side of the garage
• Six plastic 5 gallon buckets, handle-less, lidless, filled with junk from various projects--on far side of garage.
• Two blue antique milk buckets, rusted bottoms, used as planters--on front porch
• Two white decorative buckets, 2 inches tall, containing hair bands and clips--on my dresser
• One galvanized decorative bucket, 2 inches tall, containing misc. buttons, screws, and a water gun--on my kitchen window sill

And there you have it, my bucket list, and I haven't kicked any of them yet. Actually, I do need to kick a few buckets--kick them right out of here, into the trailer, and take them off to the dump.  That will be the first item on my real bucket list when I get around to making one. Wait, that is not a bucket list item.  Scratch that out and put it on my To-do list. There, I've accomplished something today. I started a to-do list.

Seriously, though, I have never made a bucket list, a life goals list, or a wish list. About the only lists I make are titled Grocery and To-do. Ask any of my kids and they will tell you I even have a difficult time coming up with a Christmas list. I guess I learned at an early age that if I didn't desire, hope, dream, wish, or want, I wouldn't be disappointed. Sadly, as a result, I have denied myself seeking the things God desired for me, then seeing him bring them about.

Mark Batterson's book The Circle Maker is an excellent resource on this topic.  Throughout his ministry he sought God's dreams for him and the goals to reach them.  Even though most of them are humanly impossible, they are from God for whom all things are possible.  Some were achieved almost immediately while others may not be achieved for years. The wonderful part is seeing God bring his plans to fruition through Batterson's diligent prayer and fasting.

After finishing the book last night, I truly feel I need to seek God in this area.  First off, I need to let myself dream dreams, than see if they line up with God's plan.  That will take work on my part. Just dreaming will be something new for me, but seeking God and listening for his voice, his guidance, and his wisdom is much more than the so called "arrow" prayer I pray so often.

In the recesses of my mind are two dreams I have kept at bay for several years. I believe they are part of God's plan for me. I have taken baby steps towards them. This blog is one teetering baby step, but self doubt tends to keep me back. I know it is a spiritual battle that needs to be fought more diligently.  In spite of encouragement and affirmation from family and friends, I wonder if it's God's time for me to move forward.  The thing is, God can't use me if I don't move forward.  But if I do move forward when it isn't his time, what then? Well, the worse thing that can happen is doors will be closed and he will continue preparing me until it is the right time.  

So, friends, here is the beginning of my bucket, life goal, dream list.

• Take old, useless buckets to the dump  (move to To-do list)
• Write a book
• Speak to women's groups

Now I will prayerfully develop a time line, seek promises in scripture, circle them all in prayer and move as God helps me set goals to attain the my dreams.  My first goal is to submit a story I have written to Guidepost by the middle of July. The piece is finished.  I've been sitting on it for over a month.  I need to act. I can do this. Oh yes, for clarification, July 2012.  


The first promise I am circling is from James 1:5-8   "If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives abundantly to all, without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt. For he who doubts is like the wave on the sea, tossed and blown by the wind. That person must not think he will receive anything from the Lord, for he is a double-minded man and unstable in all he does."

Oh Lord, let me not doubt.

jansjournal@hotmail.com

Little Things That Make Me Smile

Do you remember what I wrote last week about finding my lawn mower's gas tank full? That's right. It brought a huge smile to my face! I love full gas tanks.

There are many more things that make me smile.  I'm talking about the little things, not the obvious  ones like a comedian, a good joke, or an obviously silly kid (or adult for that matter). I mean the little occurrences that make you grin. I don't know what makes you smile, but here are a few of mine.

• Buying groceries and saving more than I spent. That's what I did this morning--spent $75 and saved $46.  I still can't get the grin off my face.
• Waking up to sun shine--I love it.  
• Seeing deer in my yard--beautiful and serene.
• Hearing birds sing--Oh, the joy.
• Watching beautiful sun sets--how do those happen?
• Clean windows--feels good.
• Bibi the parrot.  She is streaming live every day on the internet.  Search for Watch-the-Birdie.   Bibi provided company and humor during my rough days. She is quite talkative in the mornings, late afternoons. 
• Looking at my newly mowed yard--love to see the payoff of hard work. 
• Watching the wheels turn in my grand kids minds.  I would love to know their thought processes.
• Listening to children's conversations--delightful, amusing, thought provoking.
• Watching my family play games and laugh--pure joy.
• Clouds--their shapes, colors, and sizes amaze me and make me smile. I don't know why. They just do.
• The play of sun, shadow, reflection and color on tide flats, rivers, lakes or any other reflective surface. I smile at the beauty and wonder how to paint it.
• The sound of rain on the roof--love it.
• Discovering a beautiful flower hidden among the weeds--such persistence.
• Sitting in the tranquility of my living room--peace in the Lord's presence.
• Watching all the young families at church--love seeing the moms and dads tending their flocks. Those families are blessed.
• Knowing God has won the war.  I just have to fight some battles.  (actually this isn't a little thing.  It is rather huge, but it still makes me smile).

I could go on, but won't.  I'll let you make your own list of little things that make you smile. Isn't God wonderful for providing each of us with so many little things.

I Am Angry (continued 3)

Today's blog will finish up what I had begun writing on the afternoon of my 45th wedding anniversary as I answered my therapist's question, "What are you angry about?" At this point on my bumpy ride I had been going through therapy for only a short period of time. During my hour with Dr. B. each week, I had not been able to come up with any emotions I was experiencing or had experienced. All I could tell her was that I was ticked off and sad.  I told her I knew God was in control and had been in control the whole time.  I told her I knew God would use this whole sordid mess for good. How that would happen I didn't know, but I didn't want to miss it. 


I want to make one thing clear at this point.  At no time during my therapy did Dr. B make any judgement calls on my comments.  At one point she did remind me that emotions were God given, but each week she basically asked questions that caused me to probe for the answers. As each session came to a close, she would give me a writing assignment, which I did not appreciate. I didn't mind the idea of writing, I didn't want to have to think.


Through the combination of our weekly conversations, her thought provoking questions, and the writing assignments, God began to reveal that I had a lot of work to do. After all, he had created me with the ability to feel. With the Spirit's help I had to discover where I had hidden my emotions, haul them out from those dark recesses of my mind, and name them so they could be dealt with.  I was shown that sorrow, anger, confusion, doubt, hatred, etc were just some of the emotions I had been given as a human.  I had also been given compassion, love, joy, hope, etc as well.  They formed who I was. My feelings by themselves were neither bad nor good. It's what I was doing with them or allow them to do to me that would either give God glory or cause me great problems. By pushing my feelings away whenever they arose and then denying they ever existed, I was destroying part of who I was as God's child. 


As I wrote on that Sunday afternoon, I had some fear.  I didn't know what I would find in my search for anger. What I discovered were sentences coming off the end of my pen that surprised even me.  After thoughts were completed I would re-read them and either ask myself, "Where in the world did that come from?" or tell myself, "Hummm, that's an interesting thought." After a couple hours of introspection and thought, I came to the final paragraph that went like this:

"In spite of it all, I am thankful.  I'm thankful I had the investments necessary to weather the worst of the storm.  I'm thankful for my wonderful kids who are going through their own kind of pain, but still find time to call and talk about their day, drop in unannounced, invite me to dinner or coffee and a chat, call to "check up" on me, or slip me small financial gifts just because.  These extra dollars allow me to  to see an occasional movie, get a Whopper at Burger King, buy cute socks or colorful bedding plants, or take a grandchild out for a treat, things that just aren't in my budget.  I'm thankful I have discovered a part of myself I didn't know existed.  I CAN figure out how to get the mower blades to engage.  I CAN physically empty heavy bags of grass clippings.  I CAN use the weed-eater.  I CAN maneuver the garbage and recycle bins to the road.  I CAN let my kids help me when necessary.  I am a much stronger person today than I was 18 months ago.  For that, in spite of my anger, I am thankful."

Three years ago it was not nearly as clear as it is today that what I really have to be thankful for is my Lord who is always at work as the advance man.  He is the one who put everything into place ahead of time.  Even now he has put everything into place for tomorrow, next month, next year.  I just have to keep my heart, mind, and spiritual eyes open to what he has prepared, do what he wants me to do, and give him the thanks and the glory.  Notice the word "just"? I could have used "only" or "merely" instead.  Any one of those three words make the verbs seem as if they're easy to do. They are not.

I do know though that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I can be contacted at jansjournal@hotmail.com

I Am Angry (continued 2)

Why have there been no new posts the last two days?  I've was out of town for a bridal shower.  Since I have two grandsons getting married within the next six weeks, it seems like I have been on the road almost every weekend lately. All the trips weren't wedding related though.  Two were for college graduation and Air Force commissioning events and parties.  It has been fun.

For the next few moments, I will put the fun aside and return to my previous blog topic, anger. This anger is what I was feeling on my wedding anniversary in 2009 while I sat in my sun room and journaled.  As I said before, my anger was not, and still isn't directed at my husband.  My anger is directed at sin and its consequences.  His actions hurt everyone he knew, especially his family.

"I am angry about the pain he caused his granddaughters--awakening in them some 'wonders' of their bodies that should never have been revealed at their ages of innocence.  I am angry at the potential emotional and psychological harm he has caused.

"I am angry about the $100 worth of just filled prescriptions sitting on the dining room table waiting to be tossed into the garbage--fifty days worth of three different medications plus eye drops that couldn't be transferred from the County Jail to the State Prison.  What a waste!!

"I am angry because he threw away everything he held dear: dinner and movies with me on date nights, river walks with his daughter-in-law, riding shot-gun into town with his son-in-law or son, hikes and camping trips with his entire family, birthday parties, school award assemblies and plays, holiday breakfasts that he loved preparing, spur of the moment phone calls to his kids, and playing with his grand kids. He threw away ministries he loved including our church's jail ministry.  In addition, he threw away the things yet to come: track meets, basketball, soccer, and volleyball games, graduations, weddings, and great-grandchildren.  He threw it all away.  That angers me.

"I am angry that he has denied his grand kids the opportunity to get to know him as the gentle, kind, funny, wise man I married. I pray they don't remember him as a sick child molester spending his days sitting in a prison.  To some grand kids he is still Papa, but to others he is now called by his first name.  So sad.

"I am angry about the loneliness this has caused me--no more hugs, kisses, embraces, talks or cuddle time.  I'm angry about having to fight back tears so I can drive safely.  Times come when I must stop reading or whatever else I am doing to just let the tears flow.  I don't like dealing with tears." 

There you have it, some of what I was angry about.  Many of those angers are still there, especially the ones about...  To be perfectly honest, they all still make me angry to some extent when I take time to think about them. The good part is I feel more sadness than anger now, but there is still emotion attached to all of them except the waste of the medications and money to purchase them. 

The last paragraph in my journal entry will be my blog tomorrow.  It begins, "In spite of it all, I am thankful."

I can be reached by e-mail jansjournal@hotmail.com

I Am Angry (continued).

Yesterday I started sharing what I had written on my 45th wedding anniversary in 2009.  My husband had been in jail for only 4 months.  The writing was done for my therapist who wanted me to explore what I was angry about.  This was a very hard thing for me to do because I didn't believe I was angry.  I was ticked off, sad, confused, but I couldn't say that I was angry.  Part of that was because I had confused anger with rage. There had not been any rage, therefore I must not be angry. Another part of denying anger was the way I was reared.  Emotions were a waste of time and energy. I had learned quit well to suck it up and get on with life. There was no place for anger.

Well, sucking it up and getting on with life (trying to get on with life) wasn't happening.  So there I sat on that Sunday afternoon and began writing about anger.  The more I wrote, the more I found to be angry about.  Here are the next few paragraphs that I wrote.

"I am angry about the lost dreams we had.  What about the cruise to Alaska?  What about Baja, Mexico?  What about seeing all 50 states.  We had such a great start.  What about reliving the Western States trip we took with my folks and our kids.  This time it was going to be you, me, our kids and grand kids.  What about that?  Sure, I can do some of this by myself, but not without guilt.  Not guilt about going alone, but about spending part of what's left from our meager nest egg. I am angry enough to say, 'You threw me into this pit, so listen here buddy.  I'm spending the rest of the money fulfilling our dreams all by myself.  So there.'  I'm angry enough to say it, but not angry enough to do it.

"I am angry about all the responsibilities I have been left with--or should I say had dumped on me?  I hate making phone calls to start with, but dealing with credit card companies, attorneys, Social Security personnel, doctors, dentists, pharmacies, etc. was so hard.  BUT I DID IT and SURVIVED. I don't want to ever go through that again any time soon.  And then there is our home--a home I love.  All the little things that can and do go wrong have to be dealt with.  The wooden gutters are rotting and some of the soffits need replacing.  Spigots in the garden that were broken off in the winter storm are still unusable, so I have left the orchard to fend for itself--getting watered only by the rain.  Two giant fir trees are still down, needing to be cut up.  The dishwasher is broken.  NO BIG DEAL.  I don't mind doing dishes by hand.  Yes, it is a big deal, especially when I have the whole gang over.

"Being one to rationalize, I ask myself, 'What would I do if my husband had died?'  The answer that comes is, 'The spigots would still be snapped off, the dishwasher still broken, the gutters still rotting, and the trees still down, but I would have life insurance money at my disposal to hire the work done."

That is where I was three years ago.  It is quite obvious I was operating in a "poor me" mode.  In spite of all the support I had from my family, deep down inside I was scared.  I was living in a world I didn't know even existed. I knew neither its dangers nor its beauty.  I had to learn how to navigate in a new land.

 I bit the bullet, re-roofed the house, and had new gutters installed. That very difficult decision turned out to be the right one at the right time--God's time.  There was quite a bit of rot in the rafters that could have spelled disaster in a heavy snow. God is good.   The downed trees have been cut up and given to people in need of fire wood, thanks to a local volunteer fireman. 


The dishwasher still doesn't work, but the new system works great. We fill the sink with hot soapy water and each person washes his own plate, utensils, and glass, rinses them, dries them, and puts then away. Not only does it work well, it causes a lot of laughs.  The outdoor faucets still haven't been repaired, but there is enough rain to keep the apple trees producing and the grass green. 


While learning to navigate my new world I have discovered that not only can I handle much more than I thought, but also that my kids, who help out whenever they can, however they can, are absolutely amazing. Thankfully, what had been foreign to me three years ago, is now a world I have learned to enjoy and celebrate.


Above all, I have learned, as I have said over and over, that God is faithful, faithful, faithful.  He has provided encouragement when I needed it most.  He has provided support when I was feeling weak.  He has provided advice when I was questioning my decisions.  He has provided various provisions when I was lacking. 


To my family and friends, God has answered prayers, many of them unspoken, through you when you were not even aware if it. Thank you for your obedience. You are truly treasures who have blessed me greatly.

Something New

I can be reached this e-mail address:

jan'sjournal@hotmail.com

Wedding Anniversary 2009

Today is my forth-eighth wedding anniversary. Man alive, I barely get that sentence off the tips of my fingers, and my throat tightens up and tears start forming. I'm caught by surprise again. I had no idea that was going to happen, but it did.  (blow, snort, sniff, inhale deeply)  Now, let's proceed.

When I plopped down on the sofa a couple minutes ago, I had a scrambled egg sandwich on my plate, and a different idea for this blog. This is how it transpired. I had just gone out to the garage to see if there was any gas in the mower. I was afraid I would have to make a trip to town to get fuel before I could mow. The tank was full!! Now that makes me happy. With a big smile on my face, I fixed my sandwich and thought about other little things that bring me joy.  There were quite a few.  Soon my idea had taken on a life of its own and my sandwich was ready to eat.

Why, oh why I wrote that first sentence is beyond me.  Yes, it is my anniversary today.  Yes, I got a card and a note from my husband.  No, I didn't send him anything. Did I forget?  No. That pretty much says it all. Even though I wrote on my Father's Day blog about recognizing my husband as a good father, I chose not to recognize the fact we have over forty years of good memories together.  I still have a lot of healing to do.  BUT, I have come a long way .

While going through the notebooks of written material from the past years, I came across one titled "I'm Angry Because..." dated Sunday, June 21, 2009.  That was my first anniversary spent alone.   The first paragraph described a beautiful day, beautiful yard that had lots of work to be done (nothing new), and the work family members had done to trim up my trees.  Finally I wrote, "Rattling on and on about the yard isn't why I'm writing.  I want to get on paper the reasons I am angry.  This endeavor is a result of my therapist's questions about my lack of anger over this whole affair.  So, here goes.

"First of all, I think I was confusing anger with RAGE.  No, there has been no rage, but yes, there is anger.  What I am about to say might sound crazy and even make little sense, but my anger seems to be over the consequences of my husbands actions and not the action itself.  I am angry over the hardship,  heart break and damage he brought upon the entire family, and to a lesser extent, our friends, but especially to me.

"I AM ANGRY THAT TODAY, OUR 45TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, HE IS SITTING IN A PRISON CELL WHILE I SAT IN CHURCH ALONE, CAME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOUSE (the dog doesn't count), AND TEARED UP OVER THE LEAST LITTLE THING.

"I am angry about the financial situation I have been put into.  I have found myself spending hours figuring out what income I have to work with after losing $1,300 in Social Security.  Sorting out monthly, bimonthly, quarterly, and annual bills would bring tears of anger and frustration.  Having to throw attorney fees along with polygrapher and psychologist bills into the mix added insult to injury.  I was angry about having to take large amounts of our investments out to pay off our credit card debt and the attorney's retainer fee when the market was falling at a rapid rate.  Getting the "out-go" less than the "In-come" was painful.  I was not a happy camper."

The rest of my anger, which I will share this next week, is expressed in paragraphs that start like this:

I am angry about the lost dreams we had.
I am angry about all the responsibilities I have been left with--or should I say had dumped on me.
I am angry about the pain he caused our granddaughters...
I am angry about the $100 worth of prescriptions sitting on the dining room table waiting to be tossed...
I am angry because my husband threw away everything he held dear...
I am angry that he has denied his grand kids the opportunity to get to know him as the...
I am angry about the loneliness this has caused.
In spite of it all, I am thankful because...

Stay tuned for what I wrote in those paragraphs in 2009, because here in 2012 the anger is mostly gone.  There is still some sadness, but as I look at the difference between then and now, I smile.


I can now be contacted at jansjournal@hotmail.com