Today is my forth-eighth wedding anniversary. Man alive, I barely get that sentence off the tips of my fingers, and my throat tightens up and tears start forming. I'm caught by surprise again. I had no idea that was going to happen, but it did. (blow, snort, sniff, inhale deeply) Now, let's proceed.
When I plopped down on the sofa a couple minutes ago, I had a scrambled egg sandwich on my plate, and a different idea for this blog. This is how it transpired. I had just gone out to the garage to see if there was any gas in the mower. I was afraid I would have to make a trip to town to get fuel before I could mow. The tank was full!! Now that makes me happy. With a big smile on my face, I fixed my sandwich and thought about other little things that bring me joy. There were quite a few. Soon my idea had taken on a life of its own and my sandwich was ready to eat.
Why, oh why I wrote that first sentence is beyond me. Yes, it is my anniversary today. Yes, I got a card and a note from my husband. No, I didn't send him anything. Did I forget? No. That pretty much says it all. Even though I wrote on my Father's Day blog about recognizing my husband as a good father, I chose not to recognize the fact we have over forty years of good memories together. I still have a lot of healing to do. BUT, I have come a long way .
While going through the notebooks of written material from the past years, I came across one titled "I'm Angry Because..." dated Sunday, June 21, 2009. That was my first anniversary spent alone. The first paragraph described a beautiful day, beautiful yard that had lots of work to be done (nothing new), and the work family members had done to trim up my trees. Finally I wrote, "Rattling on and on about the yard isn't why I'm writing. I want to get on paper the reasons I am angry. This endeavor is a result of my therapist's questions about my lack of anger over this whole affair. So, here goes.
"First of all, I think I was confusing anger with RAGE. No, there has been no rage, but yes, there is anger. What I am about to say might sound crazy and even make little sense, but my anger seems to be over the consequences of my husbands actions and not the action itself. I am angry over the hardship, heart break and damage he brought upon the entire family, and to a lesser extent, our friends, but especially to me.
"I AM ANGRY THAT TODAY, OUR 45TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, HE IS SITTING IN A PRISON CELL WHILE I SAT IN CHURCH ALONE, CAME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOUSE (the dog doesn't count), AND TEARED UP OVER THE LEAST LITTLE THING.
"I am angry about the financial situation I have been put into. I have found myself spending hours figuring out what income I have to work with after losing $1,300 in Social Security. Sorting out monthly, bimonthly, quarterly, and annual bills would bring tears of anger and frustration. Having to throw attorney fees along with polygrapher and psychologist bills into the mix added insult to injury. I was angry about having to take large amounts of our investments out to pay off our credit card debt and the attorney's retainer fee when the market was falling at a rapid rate. Getting the "out-go" less than the "In-come" was painful. I was not a happy camper."
The rest of my anger, which I will share this next week, is expressed in paragraphs that start like this:
I am angry about the lost dreams we had.
I am angry about all the responsibilities I have been left with--or should I say had dumped on me.
I am angry about the pain he caused our granddaughters...
I am angry about the $100 worth of prescriptions sitting on the dining room table waiting to be tossed...
I am angry because my husband threw away everything he held dear...
I am angry that he has denied his grand kids the opportunity to get to know him as the...
I am angry about the loneliness this has caused.
In spite of it all, I am thankful because...
Stay tuned for what I wrote in those paragraphs in 2009, because here in 2012 the anger is mostly gone. There is still some sadness, but as I look at the difference between then and now, I smile.
I can now be contacted at jansjournal@hotmail.com
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