Why have there been no new posts the last two days? I've was out of town for a bridal shower. Since I have two grandsons getting married within the next six weeks, it seems like I have been on the road almost every weekend lately. All the trips weren't wedding related though. Two were for college graduation and Air Force commissioning events and parties. It has been fun.
For the next few moments, I will put the fun aside and return to my previous blog topic, anger. This anger is what I was feeling on my wedding anniversary in 2009 while I sat in my sun room and journaled. As I said before, my anger was not, and still isn't directed at my husband. My anger is directed at sin and its consequences. His actions hurt everyone he knew, especially his family.
"I am angry about the pain he caused his granddaughters--awakening in them some 'wonders' of their bodies that should never have been revealed at their ages of innocence. I am angry at the potential emotional and psychological harm he has caused.
"I am angry about the $100 worth of just filled prescriptions sitting on the dining room table waiting to be tossed into the garbage--fifty days worth of three different medications plus eye drops that couldn't be transferred from the County Jail to the State Prison. What a waste!!
"I am angry because he threw away everything he held dear: dinner and movies with me on date nights, river walks with his daughter-in-law, riding shot-gun into town with his son-in-law or son, hikes and camping trips with his entire family, birthday parties, school award assemblies and plays, holiday breakfasts that he loved preparing, spur of the moment phone calls to his kids, and playing with his grand kids. He threw away ministries he loved including our church's jail ministry. In addition, he threw away the things yet to come: track meets, basketball, soccer, and volleyball games, graduations, weddings, and great-grandchildren. He threw it all away. That angers me.
"I am angry that he has denied his grand kids the opportunity to get to know him as the gentle, kind, funny, wise man I married. I pray they don't remember him as a sick child molester spending his days sitting in a prison. To some grand kids he is still Papa, but to others he is now called by his first name. So sad.
"I am angry about the loneliness this has caused me--no more hugs, kisses, embraces, talks or cuddle time. I'm angry about having to fight back tears so I can drive safely. Times come when I must stop reading or whatever else I am doing to just let the tears flow. I don't like dealing with tears."
There you have it, some of what I was angry about. Many of those angers are still there, especially the ones about... To be perfectly honest, they all still make me angry to some extent when I take time to think about them. The good part is I feel more sadness than anger now, but there is still emotion attached to all of them except the waste of the medications and money to purchase them.
The last paragraph in my journal entry will be my blog tomorrow. It begins, "In spite of it all, I am thankful."
I can be reached by e-mail jansjournal@hotmail.com
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