Today's blog will finish up what I had begun writing on the afternoon of my 45th wedding anniversary as I answered my therapist's question, "What are you angry about?" At this point on my bumpy ride I had been going through therapy for only a short period of time. During my hour with Dr. B. each week, I had not been able to come up with any emotions I was experiencing or had experienced. All I could tell her was that I was ticked off and sad. I told her I knew God was in control and had been in control the whole time. I told her I knew God would use this whole sordid mess for good. How that would happen I didn't know, but I didn't want to miss it.
I want to make one thing clear at this point. At no time during my therapy did Dr. B make any judgement calls on my comments. At one point she did remind me that emotions were God given, but each week she basically asked questions that caused me to probe for the answers. As each session came to a close, she would give me a writing assignment, which I did not appreciate. I didn't mind the idea of writing, I didn't want to have to think.
Through the combination of our weekly conversations, her thought provoking questions, and the writing assignments, God began to reveal that I had a lot of work to do. After all, he had created me with the ability to feel. With the Spirit's help I had to discover where I had hidden my emotions, haul them out from those dark recesses of my mind, and name them so they could be dealt with. I was shown that sorrow, anger, confusion, doubt, hatred, etc were just some of the emotions I had been given as a human. I had also been given compassion, love, joy, hope, etc as well. They formed who I was. My feelings by themselves were neither bad nor good. It's what I was doing with them or allow them to do to me that would either give God glory or cause me great problems. By pushing my feelings away whenever they arose and then denying they ever existed, I was destroying part of who I was as God's child.
As I wrote on that Sunday afternoon, I had some fear. I didn't know what I would find in my search for anger. What I discovered were sentences coming off the end of my pen that surprised even me. After thoughts were completed I would re-read them and either ask myself, "Where in the world did that come from?" or tell myself, "Hummm, that's an interesting thought." After a couple hours of introspection and thought, I came to the final paragraph that went like this:
"In spite of it all, I am thankful. I'm thankful I had the investments necessary to weather the worst of the storm. I'm thankful for my wonderful kids who are going through their own kind of pain, but still find time to call and talk about their day, drop in unannounced, invite me to dinner or coffee and a chat, call to "check up" on me, or slip me small financial gifts just because. These extra dollars allow me to to see an occasional movie, get a Whopper at Burger King, buy cute socks or colorful bedding plants, or take a grandchild out for a treat, things that just aren't in my budget. I'm thankful I have discovered a part of myself I didn't know existed. I CAN figure out how to get the mower blades to engage. I CAN physically empty heavy bags of grass clippings. I CAN use the weed-eater. I CAN maneuver the garbage and recycle bins to the road. I CAN let my kids help me when necessary. I am a much stronger person today than I was 18 months ago. For that, in spite of my anger, I am thankful."
Three years ago it was not nearly as clear as it is today that what I really have to be thankful for is my Lord who is always at work as the advance man. He is the one who put everything into place ahead of time. Even now he has put everything into place for tomorrow, next month, next year. I just have to keep my heart, mind, and spiritual eyes open to what he has prepared, do what he wants me to do, and give him the thanks and the glory. Notice the word "just"? I could have used "only" or "merely" instead. Any one of those three words make the verbs seem as if they're easy to do. They are not.
I do know though that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can be contacted at jansjournal@hotmail.com
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