I Am Angry (continued).

Yesterday I started sharing what I had written on my 45th wedding anniversary in 2009.  My husband had been in jail for only 4 months.  The writing was done for my therapist who wanted me to explore what I was angry about.  This was a very hard thing for me to do because I didn't believe I was angry.  I was ticked off, sad, confused, but I couldn't say that I was angry.  Part of that was because I had confused anger with rage. There had not been any rage, therefore I must not be angry. Another part of denying anger was the way I was reared.  Emotions were a waste of time and energy. I had learned quit well to suck it up and get on with life. There was no place for anger.

Well, sucking it up and getting on with life (trying to get on with life) wasn't happening.  So there I sat on that Sunday afternoon and began writing about anger.  The more I wrote, the more I found to be angry about.  Here are the next few paragraphs that I wrote.

"I am angry about the lost dreams we had.  What about the cruise to Alaska?  What about Baja, Mexico?  What about seeing all 50 states.  We had such a great start.  What about reliving the Western States trip we took with my folks and our kids.  This time it was going to be you, me, our kids and grand kids.  What about that?  Sure, I can do some of this by myself, but not without guilt.  Not guilt about going alone, but about spending part of what's left from our meager nest egg. I am angry enough to say, 'You threw me into this pit, so listen here buddy.  I'm spending the rest of the money fulfilling our dreams all by myself.  So there.'  I'm angry enough to say it, but not angry enough to do it.

"I am angry about all the responsibilities I have been left with--or should I say had dumped on me?  I hate making phone calls to start with, but dealing with credit card companies, attorneys, Social Security personnel, doctors, dentists, pharmacies, etc. was so hard.  BUT I DID IT and SURVIVED. I don't want to ever go through that again any time soon.  And then there is our home--a home I love.  All the little things that can and do go wrong have to be dealt with.  The wooden gutters are rotting and some of the soffits need replacing.  Spigots in the garden that were broken off in the winter storm are still unusable, so I have left the orchard to fend for itself--getting watered only by the rain.  Two giant fir trees are still down, needing to be cut up.  The dishwasher is broken.  NO BIG DEAL.  I don't mind doing dishes by hand.  Yes, it is a big deal, especially when I have the whole gang over.

"Being one to rationalize, I ask myself, 'What would I do if my husband had died?'  The answer that comes is, 'The spigots would still be snapped off, the dishwasher still broken, the gutters still rotting, and the trees still down, but I would have life insurance money at my disposal to hire the work done."

That is where I was three years ago.  It is quite obvious I was operating in a "poor me" mode.  In spite of all the support I had from my family, deep down inside I was scared.  I was living in a world I didn't know even existed. I knew neither its dangers nor its beauty.  I had to learn how to navigate in a new land.

 I bit the bullet, re-roofed the house, and had new gutters installed. That very difficult decision turned out to be the right one at the right time--God's time.  There was quite a bit of rot in the rafters that could have spelled disaster in a heavy snow. God is good.   The downed trees have been cut up and given to people in need of fire wood, thanks to a local volunteer fireman. 


The dishwasher still doesn't work, but the new system works great. We fill the sink with hot soapy water and each person washes his own plate, utensils, and glass, rinses them, dries them, and puts then away. Not only does it work well, it causes a lot of laughs.  The outdoor faucets still haven't been repaired, but there is enough rain to keep the apple trees producing and the grass green. 


While learning to navigate my new world I have discovered that not only can I handle much more than I thought, but also that my kids, who help out whenever they can, however they can, are absolutely amazing. Thankfully, what had been foreign to me three years ago, is now a world I have learned to enjoy and celebrate.


Above all, I have learned, as I have said over and over, that God is faithful, faithful, faithful.  He has provided encouragement when I needed it most.  He has provided support when I was feeling weak.  He has provided advice when I was questioning my decisions.  He has provided various provisions when I was lacking. 


To my family and friends, God has answered prayers, many of them unspoken, through you when you were not even aware if it. Thank you for your obedience. You are truly treasures who have blessed me greatly.

Something New

I can be reached this e-mail address:

jan'sjournal@hotmail.com