I Discovered Change in Me at McDonalds

Here I sit this morning at McDonalds. It is 8 o'clock and not very busy. My lap top is fired up, but more importantly, my sausage, egg McMuffin has disappeared into the depth of my once-empty stomach and is now being followed by a cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer which I brought from home.  I am thoroughly savoring every single bite and sip despite the fat and calorie content.

I used to come here every week just to be around people. I knew isolating myself at home, which I could have easily done, was not the healthy way to go. McDonald's was a safe place to be, comfortable, interesting, and without any responsibility on my part. I knew I would not have to answer questions I thought people I knew would ask. I could smile at anyone who made eye contact. I could use my lap top to journal, or I could just watch and wonder.

I watched people eating breakfast alone and wondered why they were alone. What fears and dreads did they have. Did they wonder how they would get through the day? Had they been betrayed like I had?What was their story?

I watched couples, usually retirement age, and wondered what deep dark secrets they might be keeping from each other. I even wondered if any of the "papas" and "nanas" had molested or were secretly molesting their granddaughters/grandsons. I wondered if they, themselves had ever been molested. I wondered...

On those occasions when I saw children with adults I wondered who the adult was and what role they played in the children's lives. Sadly, the first question  that always popped into my mind was, "Is that precious child being molested and afraid of telling anyone?"

A I sit here now I discover everything is so different. I guess that is because my reasons for being here are different. I came because I now have been cleared to drive. My five weeks of confinement to the couch/bed with my foot elevated is now over. I want out of the house. I want to celebrate.

I came because I like McMuffins. I haven't had one for several months. I want to treat myself. Besides, I had a few dollars in my purse that were just for me to spend as I wish.  This is how I wish.

I came because I have an appointment at ten to get my hair trimmed. My straggly coif needs it. I reason that if I have to come in at ten, why not come in early and enjoy a change of scenery. So, here I am.

I came here to blog. I like writing while watching the traffic go by and the people coming in hungry and leaving with full tummies. I also like not having the distractions of household tasks staring me in the face.

Until I started writing this blog 30 minutes ago, I hadn't realized how far I have come over the past few years. Like before, I have still been watching and wondering. I watched a couple guys sitting alone, looking out the windows. I wondered what they were thinking. Were they contemplating the beauty of a rain drenched parking lot with reflected lights and shining puddles? Were they dreaming dreams and hoping hopes? Were they anticipating time with family or friends or just going to the library for awhile? My wonderings were all positive.

I watched couples sharing breakfast together and quietly talking. I wondered not if they were keeping secrets from each other or if either had molested children. Rather, I wondered what joys they shared, what plans they had for the day, weekend, or rainy months ahead. I wondered if they appreciated what they had in each other.

I watched with interest the two men sitting at tables close to me. They were grandpa types (at least I thought they were grandfatherly looking). Each was in the company of a young boy who was all spiffed up. I couldn't see the boys' faces, but what I could tell from the backs of their heads and their neat shirts, they were spiffed up. I wondered what the big occasions were.

Maybe I couldn't see the boys' faces, I could see clearly the grandfathers'. I could see animated conversations. I could see smiles. I could see help cutting hotcakes. I could see instruction about leaving the table cleaned off, including crumbs brushed onto the napkin-filled tray. And I could hear laughter--deep, joy-filled laughter as well as high pitched, gleeful giggles. I had to suppress my own laughter until it became just a smile on my lips and a twinkle in my eyes. 

So now I need to pack it up, put my lap top in its case, and empty my napkin-filled tray into the garbage can. It is time to go. What began as a morning out of the house, a chance to celebrate, to enjoy junk food, to watch and wonder, and to write has become a morning of awe and wonder of how far the Lord has brought me. I discovered that I am saying goodbye to my own sorrows, fears, anger and loneliness and am rediscovering the joys around me. 

Thank you, Lord.

Have a God day. I certainly have and it's only 9:30 a.m.

Jan