Out of The Blue

"Out of the blue..." Where did that expression come from? Was someone hit by lightning on a clear day? Maybe. 

Yesterday I was attending a Celebration of Life service, listening to the eulogy, when out of the blue came the thought, "What will be shared about your husband at his funeral-memorial-celebration-of-life service? Will anyone come? Will anyone even share? If asked directly, what would you say about him?" 

After that lightning strike, I considered my husband's life b.c. (before crime). I had to force myself to acknowledge that he did have a good side. I made myself see the Lord's workings in the man I married. There was his love of family, love of the outdoors, generosity with time, talent, and assets, ability to develop consensus among people facing difficult group decisions, use of puns, sense of humor, and heart for lost souls. Those were just a few that I came up with. To be honest, I really didn't want to look past the sin that had caused so much pain and ripping apart in my life. 

Today, as I was thinking about yesterday and trying to figure where to go with this blog, I had another out-of-the-blue thought. "Was God trying to speak directly to me?" Lightning strikes straight from the Holy Spirit, so to speak. If that is the case, and I think it is, I have to ask myself, "Jan, have you forgiven him?" I can honestly say I have, quite a few times in fact. BUT! There is that infernal word that puts a crimp on everything. But! But, have I forgiven him totally?  

The answer to that question will have to be "no", not totally. If a child molester is who I see when looking at or thinking about my husband, instead of the man God had created, the man before the crime, the man God had used to touch lives, I still have lots of work to do in the forgiveness area. I think I have written before that when Jesus tells us to forgive 70x7 times*, I had never considered he might be talking about 490 times for the same hurt we had received. I needed that reminder.

So, I guess I'm not through with forgiveness yet. Just as healing takes place step by step, it looks like forgiveness does too. 

HELP, Lord!

*Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times."

May you forgive, totally, those who have sinned against you. I'm working on it.

Jan