There are some things I just don't understand. Being Mrs. Logical-Don't-Let-Emotions-Get-In-The-Way, I sometimes have to admit defeat and finally ask myself if is it necessary to understand everything. Maybe it is better not to understand. But is coping with what one doesn't understand good? Here's where I am coming from. Today has been a very sad day for me. Well, the day isn't sad. I am sad, and I am having a difficult time understanding why.
I've been on the verge of tears since I got up this morning. On the verge is where I have remained; and it is almost 6 P.M. I will say that cooking oatmeal, washing dishes, doing laundry, and making soup aren't the most exciting things in life, but they certainly aren't anything to be sad about. So, why am I sad? I don't understand.
Today is another gray, rainy, windy day just like any other spring day in the Pacific Northwest. That is our normal weather around here. We live with it, and grow to love it.
My magnolia tree is forming buds, the crocus are about through blooming, the daffodils will be blooming soon, and the deer still graze their way through my yard several times a week. That is springtime at my place. I live here, and I love it.
For the most part, life is good. Why am I sad then?
Since I had no reason to be sad, I tried playing a computer game to occupy an hour or two. I hoped my verge of tears might disappear. I finished the game, wasted two hours, but was still sad and on the verge. I then watched a couple TV shows on my lap top to cheer myself up. That didn't work. Folding clothes, then trying to nap didn't do anything either. Instead of falling asleep, my mind decided to visit all sorts of places I hadn't been in a long time. As a result, my sadness increased. Surprisingly, my understanding did, too. So now I write.
I write about remembering the times my husband would take one of his granddaughters to town with him to run errands because I chose to stay home for that hour or so. I have no guilt in the molestation of the girls, but I still carry a great sense of guilt. Those old "what ifs" and "if onlys" still raise their ugly heads. They can succeed in making me very sad.
I write about my excitement for the coming track season, and the great year the grand kids will have. There will be meets spent huddled under blankets while it gusts, rains, and hails, but there will also be meets in the warmth and glare of the sun while wearing shorts and sunglasses. There is a good chance at least two and maybe three of the kids will make it to state competition. There is also a chance they will break more records. Who knows what the season holds for them, but my husband, because of his poor choices and decisions, will remain behind bars and miss it all. It is not my fault he's there where he belongs, but it makes me very sad he will miss it all.
I write about the Sports Award Event at the high school where two grand children received Athlete Scholar Awards as well as Basketball Letters. I attended, but I my husband missed it all. It is not my fault he's in prison where he belongs, but it makes me very sad he missed it all.
I write about my granddaughters as they begin entering that time in their lives when they will have to deal with boys, and dances, and dates, and friends, and parents... They have to deal with all that teenage stuff while also dealing with whatever emotional baggage their molestation may bring their way. That makes me very sad.
These thoughts are nothing new. They have been around since the beginning of this journey, five years ago in fact. They just don't come around very often any more. But when they do, sadness is still attached to them. That makes me sad, too.
Just having this talk with all of you has helped me see that today wasn't the start of something new, but just emotions being exacerbated by Monday's first track practice and Thursday's Sports Award Event. Now that it all begins to make sense, I feel better. I feel joy and peace rising up.
For those wondering, no, I didn't pray about my situation. I didn't pray for understanding or anything else for that matter. I didn't even think about it. He knows, though, The Lord knows. I may have been sad, but deep down inside, somewhere, was the joy of Lord. That is my strength. Thank you Jesus
Thank you, too, family and friends, for listening.
Jan
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