Continued from 4/24 Lesson #1 Trust Enough to Tell

On April 24 I took a deep breath and tackled the daunting task of writing something I had previously told only my family, my therapist, and a few friends.  When I usually tell about this unexpected journey, I tell the entire account as if I were giving a book report or a movie review.  I have always been a “just the facts” kind of gal. That is what I saw and heard my dad do, so I carried that same sort of thinking from my childhood into adulthood. “Let’s not get caught up or sidetracked by feelings. They will just muddy the water, confuse the issues at hand, and waste time.” That explains in part why I handled my overloaded emotions the way I did. I put them on bed-rest in a locked room. Life was cleaner that way.

While writing on the 24th, some of my emotions jumped out with a whispered, "peek-a-boo". In the middle of “just the facts” came twinges of guilt, spasms of sorrow, and stirrings of new understandings.   I have to admit that my trip back to the year 2007 was a little emotional —not much, just a little. After all, I don’t want to get carried away do I? But a little emotion was huge progress for me.

Before I begin sharing today, I first want to make some things clear.  I am not an expert in psychology, neurology, sociology, or any other “ology” including “archi”.  What lessons I learned are what God wanted me to learn. What he revealed, not only about himself, but also about me, was what I needed to see at that particular moment in time. He knows how I think, how I feel, and how I process information.  He also knows I don't like to think about certain things and I don't let myself get emotional.  I am thankful He knows and understands all of me. 

It is my prayer that what I learned will encourage, bless, enlighten, and even move whomever reads this.  At the same time, I also pray that anyone going through similar circumstances does not expect God to work the same ways in their situation as he worked in mine.  For example, God parted the Red Sea for Moses, stopped the sun for Joshua, but shut the mouth of lions for Daniel.  Jesus healed a blind man by making mud with spittle and putting it on his sightless eyes.  He healed a paralyzed man by merely speaking. If that man expected Jesus to put spit-filled mud on his legs, he might never have picked up his pallet and walked.  In all these examples, the Almighty acted in whatever way he saw fit for the one(s) needing help.  That same God, our God, has not changed. 

Lesson  #1.          Trust Enough to Tell

In our close, personal relationships with others it is so important to be vulnerable and open about who  we are and what we need.  Trusting someone enough to expose our wounds and our scars, our fears and our hang-ups, although scary, can be the most freeing and healthy thing we can do.  I discovered that no matter how much we love someone or think we know them, dark secrets that fear discovery may lurk just under the surface of calm water or behind locked doors in their minds.  It doesn't really matter what the secret is or who keeps it because someday, in some place, and at some time, it will probably be discovered.  Not only will the secret keeper be wounded, but so also will most of the people in the surrounding circles of family and friends.  

When my husband was a little boy did he tell someone he trusted about being molested when it happened?  No, he was afraid he would get in trouble. He had been told not to tell..  Did he confide to me during "pillow talk" times? No, he was ashamed and embarrassed. Did he seek professional help at any point in his adult life?  No. As a result, his dark secret finally exploded out of hiding sixty years later, covering us all in its slime, its stench, and its deadly shrapnel. If only he had trusted someone enough to tell, serious injuries would have been prevented. In addition, there is a chance he wouldn't be behind bars today.

I would like to place the blame in so many areas and on so many people, including myself.  Why, why, why didn't he tell someone what had happened? His parents weren't ogres, at least not in my eyes as an adult.  Maybe to a little boy, they were. Now I ask myself  over and over again if I am an approachable, loving, trustworthy person or am I a super scary big-person?

Why didn't he ever tell me? Sure, he might have felt shame, but what danger was I to him? Was he afraid I would see him as less of a man? Even now, I still ask myself why he didn't trust his secret to me.  That question is immediately followed by, "If he had told me, what would I have done?"  I don't know.

Why didn't he seek professional help when he first started heading down the wrong road? In his line of work he knew mental health counselors he could seek out. On the other hand, they also knew him. Was there a trust issue that could have been his problem? Why didn't he go to our pastor or a Christian friend for help or did he even know he needed help? Was he afraid they would think less of him? I could drive myself crazy wondering about all these things including this question, "Was it such a slow process that he was blind to both the inappropriateness of his behavior and to the ultimate consequences of his actions?"  Was he completely duped by Satan, the father of lies and expert of deceit.  Why didn't he trust anyone enough to tell of his childhood molestation, his sinful urges as an adult, or his sin itself? Why, why, why didn't he trust?  

My granddaughters did tell what happened to them.  I will admit, though, they didn't tell until they were first asked, but they did tell.  The trust between the girls and their parents was strong enough that, even though they were a little scared, they too been told not to tell, they didn't lie. They told the truth to loving families who believed them. As a result, their whole nightmare ultimately stopped. Sadly, no one knows what lies ahead for them.

There is a part B to Lesson #1. That is LOVE.  We need to know that when the time comes, when our courage is built up, our pride is swallowed,  and our secret is on the tip of our tongues, that the person we have trusted to tell will not only love us enough to support, encouragement, comfort, and  pray with us.  They will point us to professional help if needed, but most importantly, will love us enough to not judge.  Conversely, we also need to know that when someone trusts us enough to open up that we will love them enough to honor them and to not judge.

The girls told once, twice, three times--somewhere around there.  They told their parents, the detectives, the medical examiners.  But, will they ever tell again or will it become their deep, dark secret?  I pray that as they grow, God will use their experience to help others. I also pray they will have learned to trust enough to not keep it from their husbands-to-be, or yet unknown families.  I pray that their unwanted, unasked for experience will never become their deep, dark, untold secret..

It is easy to wonder why my husband didn't trust enough to tell, but my lesson learned is not about him.  It applies to me. Do I have secrets locked away, secrets that can cause pain to either myself or to others? Do I trust enough to tell someone about my fears, my urges, my un-Godly desires or my secrets? At this point in my life, if I don't have anyone I can trust, do I trust God enough to tell Him? He already knows.  I have nothing to fear in acknowledging it.  Can I or do I pour out my heart to Him?

So, why tell?  Satan runs from the Light.  Once I am willing to bring what is hidden out into the open, it no longer will have any power over me. This lesson was learned from going through therapy.  As I was able to finally recognize and name my fears, my shame, my embarrassment, etc I began to see them as the lies they were.  They lost their power until I could once again meet old acquaintances face-to-face and not run the other way.  That happened only as I was able to trust enough to tell my therapist what was going on in my head--things I didn't want to acknowledge. Then I was finally able to confess it to God. Joy slowly returned to my life.

As James says at the end of his letter in the New Testament, "Is anyone of you troubled? He must pray.  Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.  Is anyone sick?  Let him call for the Elders of the church to pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayers offered in faith will heal him and the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, the sins will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins one to another, pray for one another that you may be healed.  The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective."