I now have my new laptop. Actually, it is a notebook--small, compact, and lightweight. I will have adjustments to make, but isn't that what we all do on a daily basis anyway? You people who have been reading my blog know life has been one big adjustment for me over the past years. Please humor me a little as I relate an experience I had about four years ago that caused me to ask a curious question regarding change. Here goes.
My husband was in the county jail, and I was trying to deal with acres of an un-mowed yard and field that he usually dealt with. That was no longer an option. All the tall grass was mine to mow, so that is what I was doing on this particular sunny afternoon. As I sat on the mower, riding around in circles, I kept telling myself that I just wanted to get on the train and go see my Dad and sister in another state. I wanted to escape. I had the money for the fare. I had the time. I had the desire. But, I also felt I needed to stay for my kids. They had no option but to stay on their jobs, in their homes, and with their families.
Back and forth, round and round I went, both on the mower and in my mind. On one of my trips across the field to empty the grass-filled bags I spied a beautiful, quite long, snake skin laying on a pile of last year's grass clippings. Since I am always fascinated by such things, I got off the mower, picked up the skin, put it in my lap and continued with my mowing.
On one of my final passes across the field I looked once again at that skin and was smacked along side the head with the question, "Do I molt or do I bolt?" I had just spent the last couple hours contemplating bolting. Molting wasn't an option I was even considering.
For a snake to continue growing, it must shed its old skin which splits and begins coming off. From what I have read, the most dangerous time of molting is when the skin on the head comes off because there is a possibility that the snake's sight will be affected for a short time. The snake could become quite vulnerable during that period. All this trivial information on snakes rolled around in my head as I considered that crazy question, "Do I molt or do I bolt."
If I wanted the Lord to take my situation and use it to shape me into whatever he had in mind, I needed to molt, to shed off the old me with my known and my yet-unknown fears, angers, and whatever else there was. I needed to make room for a new me, whoever that was. The hard part of that whole idea was realizing I would have to become vulnerable. I would have to open myself up to not only my family, but also the Holy Spirit. I would not be able to change if I weren't willing to face myself as I truly am, instead of seeing myself as I wanted others to see me. I wanted to project a strong, invincible, unflappable image. That was not who I was. It was then I realized I couldn't bolt and keep all the pain, sorrow, grief, anger etc. inside me. I had but one choice, so I chose to molt.
As I am slowly changing, growing, and becoming new, I realize more and more that the process is never done. It is a process and a slow one at that. Just when I think I am done molting, something new occurs and I must once again shed old skin, become vulnerable, and discover more about myself as a sin-prone human, but also a loved, cherished child of God. But most of all I discover more about Abba, my heavenly father, whose greatest desire is to have a close, personal relationship with me, his daughter. Molting, though painful at times, is wonderful. I am so thankful I chose it.
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