Here is a riddle for you. It's not one my grand kids tried to stump me with, nor is it one I read on face book or anywhere else. It is a riddle straight from me. What starts as a wispy, quiet grey, turns slowly into a darker, sobering gray until, before you know what has happened, it smothers everything in inky darkness? Did you guess it? The answer is depression.
That's right, depression; and it inched in here sometime over the past week. Yesterday, when I began realizing what was going on, I was somewhat surprised because I didn't think it would happen again. But is has, and the battle is on, once more.
Here are the events in the downward spiral as I now see, but don't understand, them. First off, I had a couple days that I was totally energized and eager to get some work done around here. I did some priming of the new wood trim on my garage--not a lot, but some. I got some blackberries cut back from my fence along the road--not a lot, but some. I got some much-needed cleaning done inside--not a lot, but some. I was on a roll. At that rate, I could have everything looking good in a few weeks.
Then came that fateful morning of complete calm and serenity. I slowly ate breakfast and savored my coffee, enjoyed writing a post for my blog, then curled up on the sofa to make out a to-do list. Half way through my list, the calmness turned to complacency and the serenity turned to tiredness. Actually, it felt good to put my list aside and do nothing for the entire day but rest. I didn't even care that I could be getting a lot done on this day of little or no rain. "I didn't care" continued all day and into the evening. Eleven P.M. rolled around and I was still playing computer games. I didn't care. One o'clock, still up and not sleepy--very tired, but not sleepy. I didn't care.
Thus the spiral began. The rest of the week I did absolutely nothing but stare at my computer screen. I would write for the blog. That took a couple hours. I'd checked my e-mail every few hours and face book every few minutes. I'd play computer games for hours on end and listen to Bibi Bird continuously. I'd fix my meals and not care that I was doing my dishes once a day instead of after every meal. I didn't care that some of my cleaned off spaces were starting at accumulate miscellaneous papers again. I could always clean tomorrow, but probably wouldn't. I didn't care that I was staying up until 1-2 A.M. each night, waking up at 6:30 and not falling back to sleep. Oh, yes, I hadn't showered for several days, fixed my hair, or put on make-up. What difference did it make anyway? Thankfully, I still brushed my teeth.
On Sunday, I didn't go to church. I watched the service on-line instead. On Tuesday I turned down an invitation to a movie with my son and his family. I watched a movie on-line instead. On Wednesday I didn't call my daughter to say, "Have a wonderful time" as they prepared to leave for a four day adventure. I read her kids excited posts on face book instead. I also begin figuring out how to stay home from a long anticipated wedding. In addition, when and if my phone would ring, I cut the conversations short. I didn't want to talk to anyone. My downward spiral was sucking me into a vortex of darkness and isolation.
I not only began withdrawing from people, I began withdrawing from the world. For the first days I only went outside to get the mail in the morning and the paper in the afternoon. I didn't go for a walk. I didn't go to the store. I didn't visit my kids. I stayed home. But even worse, I stayed inside. In fact, even though I went out and collected the mail each day, I began collecting the paper every couple days. It seemed like too much work to walk all the away across the one lane road (maybe 12 feet) just to get the paper. I knew I needed to get outside, but I chose to stay in. And I didn't care.
Then yesterday, when I didn't blog and didn't care that I hadn't blogged, I began realizing I was truly depressed. I wondered if I should make an appointment with my therapist just to talk. I wanted to know and understand what triggered this change. Was it the build up of depressing local news? Was it my reaction to my husband's recent letters? Was it my visit to him? Was it feeling overwhelmed by the jobs to be done around here and the reticence to use my hands and wrists because of the pain I get after 1/2 hour? Or is it spiritual? Is it Satan's way of keeping me from moving onward and upward? I think the answer might be "All of the above." Talking to Dr. B. could definitely help me. She forces me to think about areas I ignore and also helps me recognize those things I care about, which in turn, helps me know better how to pray.
Without her council, here is what I do care about. I'm not in this pit alone. Remember my blog a couple days ago when I wrote about the chipmunk and young buck who visited me during the day? Those were truly my "Thank you, Lord" moments that day. They brought unexpected smiles to my face and a sense of awe and wonder to my heart. God is good and is keeping light shining in this pit.
He also shined additional light into the pit when he caused my daughter-in-law to make me talk on the phone yesterday. She sensed that I didn't want to talk, but kept me talking anyway. She has her way of asking how things are going, then later in the conversation asking, "So, how are things really going?" despite my previous assurance that everything is OK. I admitted I had been going to bed quite late, even straightening out a cupboard at 2 A.M. Then, I finally told her I thought I was depressed. That's an understatement if there ever was one. Thinking I might be depressed is one thing, but actually saying it to someone else puts flesh on the bones of my thoughts. I AM DEPRESSED. There, I've said it.
I'm feeling better today. I got over 8 hours of sleep last night--the first time in over ten days. I washed this morning's dishes as well as yesterdays. I cleaned my bathrooms. I'm writing this blog. I have a wedding gift to wrap (a great-nephew is getting married this weekend), clothes to pack for another weekend at my son's house (going to the wedding together), and the "trip" across the road to get the mail and yesterday's paper.
Have I called Dr. B. for an appointment? Not yet. Will I? Possibly. I don't like talking on the phone even if it is just for setting a date. I will probably send her an e-mail asking her read this blog. That way I won't have to talk, but still have told her a lot. I'll see.
There you have it, not in a regular nut shell which is too small, but in a coconut or two. I have recognized symptoms, named it for what it is, spoken to to you, and now stand firm while the battle is fought. "The Lord is a warrior, The Lord is his name."* El Gibbor
*Exodus 15:3
Note
After looking at my old posts, I realize it has taken only one week for these events to transpire. That's scary. "Thank you, El Gabbor, that I have recognized what is happening. I give Depression all to you. Show me what I need to see, embolden me to do what I have to do, and reveal to me your hand in the victory. Amen!"
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