It's 9:50 pm on Wednesday night. I didn't write this morning because...I don't know why. I didn't write this afternoon because I went outside and primed some of the untreated siding used on the garage repair work. Then I brought in a dozen filthy, muddy, slime covered canning jars that were in a disintegrated, cardboard box among my collection of old plastic buckets by the garage. I washed them up and they are now sitting in a new cardboard box waiting to go to their new home with a daughter-in-law (mine, not theirs.)
By this late hour I have eaten dinner, washed dishes, watched "This Old House" and "American Pickers" on Hulu, and talked on the phone to the lucky recipient of the canning jars about my being ticked off yesterday. She was just wondering how I was doing. I told her.
If you didn't read my blog yesterday, I said I was ticked off because of a note in the card from my husband. I didn't know why I felt the way I did, but that is what I felt. What you feel is what you feel. It isn't necessarily right or wrong. It is what it is. The question is, "Why do you feel what you feel?" I've given it more thought today and realize that I still have unresolved anger I need to deal with. I would think that after four years of living a life as a wife with her husband in prison, I would be "over it". Well, I guess I'm not.
Let me clarify. I am pretty much over living alone. That is my life, my norm. I'm used to that. I think I am pretty much over having a husband in prison. That is my norm for now and I'm used to it. OK, I tend to ignore that fact or not think about it or him. What I am not over is the fact that he molested his/my/our granddaughters. That is not and will never be my norm. Yes, it happened. Yes, it has to be dealt with. But whenever these girls, now teenagers, exhibit any tears, anger, defiance (independence), or other so-called "normal" teenage behaviors, I immediately wonder if it is because of the trauma their Papa put them through. Even when everything is going smoothly, I still wonder about their emotional well being. My wondering then turns to anger and sadness at the very thought of that possibility.
As a result, any letter that come to the house in an envelope with the stamped message, "This is mailed by an inmate...and may not be censored" causes me to take a deep breath before opening it. Usually, it is just a short letter from my husband telling about his job, a sermon he has heard on the radio, Christian music he has listened to and likes, and a smattering of scripture verses. He closes the letters with expressions of his love for me.
I don't mind hearing about his job. That is fine, as is sharing a sermon. He can tell me about the music although I am not "hip" when it comes to contemporary Christian music. But I know my heart is still in a dark place because it causes me to say in anger, "Who are you to throw scripture at me? Don't try to manipulate me with sweet talk after what you have done to your family. I don't want to hear it."
In addition, my anger often make me want to run, not as in jogging, but just escape. I might go to town like I did yesterday. I might go out in the yard, not to work, but to just stand there and listen to the birds and the wind in the trees, to let the rain fall on my head, or to stand in awe of the beauty in the clouds. Or, like tonight when I felt my anger while talking about the last letter, I want to eat something rich and sweet and gooey. Most times I can resist that desire. That is why I chose to write now. I'm resisting temptation. So far, so good. Actually, I can't succumb tonight because I don't have anything rich, sweet, and gooey in the house.
So, here is where I am at this point. I need to go up to the prison and have a heart-to-heart talk with my husband. There are issues that need to be addressed, feelings that need to be expressed, concerns that need to be stated. I don't like conflict. I don't like saying things that might not be welcomed or understood. But he still doesn't fully understand the ramifications, the consequences, the damage, or whatever you want to call it, of his actions. He still doesn't understand my range of emotions after all this time. I believe he thinks life on the outside is just as it always has been. I also believe he imagines a loving, adoring family eagerly awaiting his release by planning a celebration party, even inviting all the old friends to join the festivities.
Of course, I could be all wrong in my presuppositions. He is probably living in the fear of complete rejection by his loved ones. He probably fears getting out only to find himself without family, friends, or church to turn to. He probably fears getting out only to be assaulted in his own yard because his photo, name, and words, "child molester" were spread across the front page of the newspaper along with his address.
I don't know where the truth is. I don't really know his feelings and thoughts. He doesn't really know mine, That's why we need to talk. We need to talk not only about feelings and thoughts, but also about one truth I have not written about before, at least not in this forum. It is the proverbial elephant in the room. I feel strongly that our marriage is not sustainable, but I don't completely feel the Lord's release at this point. My husband knows how I feel on this issue. He understands where I am coming from, but doesn't want our 48 years of marriage to go down the tube. I believe him when he says that he has truly repented and God has forgiven him. I wish I were God at this point, but as you all know, I am not. Forgiveness isn't easy for me to live out. It is so much easier to say it or tell others to do it than it is to practice it myself. That is probably why I still have anger issues.
The question in this whole thing is not entirely about anger or forgiveness, it is, "What is the Lord's ultimate plan?" We both need to do some serious praying. We also need to talk to each other, listen to each other, and try to understand each other. Many of these things are difficult for me to do, especially face-to-face--especially when some anger might arise.
Now, at 12:15 AM, my bedtime prayer is this, "Lord, help me truly forgive my husband. Rid me of, or help me understand and control the anger that tarnishes, dims, and distorts my eyesight. Let me see him for who he is as your child, and not for what he did to our granddaughters. And Lord, help us both not only hear you loudly and clearly as we go forward in your perfect plan, but also act on what we hear you say. Amen"
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