- Are there abandonment issues in my family line?
- If so, so what?
- Did my father's leaving during WWII contribute to my fear of close relationships?
- If so, so what?
- I have never left my family, or have I?
Life would be so much easier if I could just say, "I am who I am. This is the way God made me. I'm fine just this way. I don't need to change." But at this point in my life, I can't honestly say those things and believe them with a clear conscience.
When I have allowed myself to consider several aspects of this whole issue, I have made some surprising discoveries. The first came when the questionnaire I was filling out asked me to rate each of my parent's love for me on a scale of 1-10 and tell how that love was shown. I couldn't do it! I knew my parents both loved me, but I couldn't explain how I knew that or how they showed it. We were well fed, clothed, taken on picnics and camping trips, but did those things show love or was it just taking care of another human being? I skipped the question.
I then had to list three words to describe my relationship with each parent. I started with one word for my dad. "Intellectual." For my mom I put, "Superficial." That was it. I could come up with nothing more. My answers, or lack thereof, bothered me. Since I have nothing or anyone to compare parental relationships with, I was at a loss. Since I needed two more words for each parent, it did seem obvious that I was missing quite a bit from relationships with my parents.
I then began to wonder how my own children would answer those questions. I shouldn't have gone there. In my mind, I think they could possibly be in the same boat. This is when I began to realize that I had abandoned, at least to some extent, any emotional ties to my kids. I love them, I want the best for them, I am proud of who they have become, I praise God for his love and grace in their lives, I am blessed by their love for me, but I consciously stay out of their lives.
I rarely call them--they are busy after all. I don't stop by, even though they live only a few miles away--they are busy after all. None of them would ever say I was a meddling mother/mother-in-law. On the other hand, they call me when they want to chat, want to know what's happening with me, or need a sounding board. They stop by sometimes for a kick-back-and-rest visit, or a weekend stay. They invite me over for dinner or to a movie. I often turn them down--they are busy after all, and don't need a grandma hanging around. So, I separate myself from them.
They don't abandon be. I emotionally and physically abandon them. Yes, there is definitely a problem here. So, the Lord and I have some work to do. Forgiveness work. I need to forgive my parents and myself. I also need to ask my kids forgiveness. In addition, I truly want to know what words they would use to describe our relationship and what they would like it to be. For all I know, it might be just fine. This could be perfectly normal. I don't know.
But, what kind of relationship do I want? Do I want more than sitting together at sporting events? I had never thought about it before this week. I need to open that closed door labeled Emotions, and find out what additional repair work is needed. Then I really have to get in the habit of leaving it open.
I do want to know what kind of relationship my kids want with me. I do want to know what kind of relationship I want with them, but what I really need to know is what does God want my family's relationships to be? What does he want it to look like?"
Now for one last discovery. My tendency to cut myself out of the lives of people I love also shows up in my tendency to cut myself off from God, and not allow for an intimate relationship to grow. I am so thankful that he will leave me or forsake me. Hebrews 13:5
Learning more and more about myself everyday. God is good,
Jan
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