One hundred sixty eight,169, 170, and today makes 171! That how many Jan's Jottings have been written since April 30, 2012. It doesn't seem possible. This whole experience has been an interesting journey. When I started writing, I was seeing my therapist once a week. I had a writing assignment for each appointment and often found myself frantically trying to write something the hour or two before going. In fact, I often went to McDonalds for a high-fat breakfast, wrote about whatever was required, then e-mailed it to Dr. B. just before driving to her office. Talk about procrastination!
I don't like to think of myself as a procrastinator. It was more about not wanting to consider my emotions. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to see what was hidden behind the locked doors of my mind, heart, or whatever else was locked. There was fear involved. But, it was still procrastination--putting off the inevitable as long as possible.
As my kids encouraged me to write this blog, I questioned my ability to share my heart with as much transparency as possible, to display whatever personal garbage the Lord wanted me to reveal, to share in complete honesty the pain, sense of guilt, fears, and occasional tears I experienced as well as the joys, blessings, and answered prayers that streamed my way. I wondered if I could do all that and yet protect the identity of my granddaughters. I pray I've been successful.
Writing Jan's Jottings has been hard work. Sometimes, when I looked over material I had written for the therapist, I relived the entire ordeal. While that often brought great sadness, it also brought an awareness where the Lord had brought me. I began to discover that He wasn't going to use dynamite and bulldozers to make huge, overnight changes. He was carefully working with a physician's gentle hands to bring about a slow healing. Even though I was not aware of obvious changes during this time, I was definitely aware of his Tender Loving Care and the little changes He was making. This revelation in and of itself would have been worth writing the blog.
Just as I struggled writing for my therapist, I also struggled writing Jan's Jottings. Somehow I got it in my mind that I needed to have the entire column in my mind before I began. That is why many of my earlier writings are revisions of previous material. Although many were revisions of what I had written for therapy, many were devotions I had written for other occasions. These included almost all the grand-kid stories.
The past few months, as I got more comfortable with my writing, rewriting, then rewriting again, I tried something new. I would just write a sentence or two about whatever was on my mind. "The sun is shining this morning." OK, let's see where this goes. It is at this point that Jan's Jottings began to be fun. Here's why. As I would write one sentence at a time, adding adjectives here, changing verbs there, something would begin to emerge. I didn't know what it was. It wasn't clear to me yet, but the thoughts would keep coming. Before long there would be a definite direction to my babbling. I might not have had a plan when I started, but God did. Many times when I finished a sentence I would have to ask myself, "Where did that come from?" I love it when God surprises me.
I need to be absolutely clear here. I think it would be irresponsible of me, and possible dangerous, to just write whatever pops into my head and say it is of God. Before I ever click on the "Publish" button, I read, re-read, edit for clarity and ask the Lord if this is what he intended for me to say. I ask if it glorifies Him. I also ask myself if what I have written conforms to Ephesians 4:29 "Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is edifying, that fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear." It is only after yes to each of these questions that I click "Publish."
So, what is in store for this next year? I will answer that question just as I would have answered the same question in the beginning. "I don't know." Many things are happening in my life right now, things I still can't quite put my finger on. If I thought therapy was challenging, the class I'm in now, Restoring The Foundations, will be even more so. Tomorrow I will share more about what's happening there. I will share new insights on abandonment. My blog of last week, "Me? Affected by Abandonment?" was the first step on this new adventure.
I thank all of you who have been with me this past year. It has been my prayer from the beginning that God, in his mysterious ways, will touch lives through Jan's Jottings. I have been asked by several people if it is OK with me if they share this blog on facebook or other social media. Of course it is. Please share however you see fit. All I ask is this. If you know me and my granddaughters, please keep their identity private.
Have a blessed rest of your day,
Jan
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