Me? Affected by Abandonment?

The questionniare I am working on is extremely difficult to fill out, at least for me. I need to really look at myself and my ancestry. I don't like examining issues like: abandonment, anxiety, bitterness/criticalness, bound/hindered emotions, etc. Even worse, I don't like asking myself if I have any of these patterns. Then I have to consider whether or not my parents and/or grandparents exhibited the behaviors. That is not easy.

Take abandonment for example. My maternal grandfather was put up for adoption when he was a young boy. His parents couldn't afford him anymore. Did he have issues with it? I don't know. I do know that he was a very successful Las Vegas businessman.

I was around two and my brother a few months old when my dad went to Minneapolis for some naval training. Mom and I went with him, but my brother was left with grandparents in Nevada.  Did he have issues as a result? I think so, but I'll never know because he died last year. Did leaving a baby brother behind cause problems in my life? Maybe.

Then there's my dad. His little sister died when she was eight years old. Did my dad feel abandoned? I don't know. Did the loss affect the attention he got from his parents? I don't know. I do know he has never liked being alone. He even wanted mom with him when he mowed the yard. "Why not bring your book outside and read?"

And me? I have been told that Dad deployed to Okinawa at the end of the war. His ship returned with homecoming troupes. I have also been told that the little girl he came home to was different from the one he left. I had become very quiet and withdrawn during his absence.  I don't remember his absence or how long he was gone, but I do remember how excited I was when he returned. Did this period of separation bring about the change? Or, was my mom so busy with a houseful of little kids that I, being the oldest, learned to fend for myself. It's complicated.

So what difference does it make? Maybe a lot, maybe none.

I have always assumed that I was just quiet, withdrawn, not wanting close relationships--bordering on anti-social. That is the way I was, but I could put on a different face when necessary. The question I now ask myself is this, "What is my real face? Which "me" did God create and which "me" developed for protection or image?"

I want to know. I want more insight because I want to be the "me" God created, not the one formed by circumstances or any negative familial influences. If I am completely honest with myself, I know the answer to that question. There is no way I can be a blessing to others or let others be a blessing to me if I live in isolation. God did not create me that way.

Several years ago, when I was still feeling totally betrayed and deeply hurt, I remember seriously questioning developing further relationships with my grandchildren. If I became closer to them, I reasoned, and they became closer to me, my ultimate death would be much harder on them than if I died a stranger. I wanted to save them the pain. Satan was whispering in my ear and I was totally listening. My reasoning was not only sad, it was also sick and completely contrary to being a blessing.

Now that I think I am finished with the abandonment question, which I originally thought had absolutely nothing to do with me or my family, I see a lot of work that needs to be done.

One question down and sixty-five more to go.

In exploration/discovery/healing mode with God,
Jan