Forgiveness and Repentance

As I was flipping through some of the notepads taking up space in my desk cubicles, I came across a couple pages of notes I made over five years ago. At that time, my husband was living in a motel in town while the police were investigating the charges against him. I was deep in turmoil as I dealt with forgiving him. At the suggestion of our financial adviser who was helping me in my financial upheaval, I called his own pastor in a nearby city.

Forgiveness

During our conversation the pastor said, "Forgiveness is refusing to let the sin of another person interfere with my desire to love that person to the extent it is safe."  He also asked, "Are we willing, to the extent we are able, to be in the other person's presence?" To that he added, "But we can't walk into danger."

Those notes are a good reminder of where I was then, and where I am now. I remember meeting my husband in the parking lot of the grocery store to give him some needed papers. I was extremely nervous walking toward him, wishing to be anywhere other than there. He wanted to give me a hug. I said, "I don't think so." He invited me to have lunch with him. I said, "I'm not comfortable being with you. I don't know what you will do to me." I could tell by the expression that briefly passed across his eyes that my remark was like a slap to his face.

He had never given me any indication he was even capable of doing bodily harm to anyone, but I feared him anyway. If he could molest our granddaughters, he could hurt me. The enemy was definitely working his devious plan in my fragile mind--planting doubts and fears.

Most of that has changed. I no longer fear for myself. If my husband were out of prison, I could easily have an evening out with him because I wouldn't feel I was walking into danger. I can see more of the man I married, and less of the sin he committed. Any concerns I might have in that situation would be very self-centered. (What would people think)

I still have other concerns, though. Because he hasn't gotten any treatment yet, can he resist the lure of children? Thankfully, he has been accepted into the prison's Sex Offender program, and has several more years to serve.

Repentance

The pastor I talked to said, "Godly sorrow focuses on the damage we caused others. It is that Godly sorrow that brings about repentance. Repentance is not something we do, but something that happens to us." 2 Corinthians 7:8-11

I took several years for my husband to realize the damage his actions caused the family. He was so engulfed by his own fears of prison, of possible threats, and even of death that he couldn't begin to conceive that his family was also living in their own form of prison--an emotional one. He understands that now, and is truly sorry for the pain he caused us. Repentance has and is happening. I am so thankful the Lord has brought my husband as far as he has.

But what about me? That is the question I always have to ask myself. Where am I in the forgiveness/repentance arena? I have forgiven my husband, but occasionally feelings and emotions arise that are contrary to the Lord's words and promises. They have to be taken captive.

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, 2 Corinthians 10:5

Repentance is what is beginning to come to the surface of my thoughts. For a person who felt terribly wronged, I have to open my eyes to those I may have wronged. What words have I spoken, and what actions have I taken, or not taken, that have caused damage to others--especially my husband? For these things, and I'm sure there are many, I have to search and ask the Lord's forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of other people.

I'm thankful Holy Spirit keeps working in me, but sometimes it hurts a lot.

Rejoicing in today's brilliant sun and the Eternal Son,

Jan and the napping cats.