It's only Tuesday and I'm already tired thinking about this busy weekend. It will be fun. It will be exciting, and it will be mostly outside. I will enjoy visiting with people I know as well as complete strangers. But these next few days I will be around more people than I'm used to (which is one--me). I find that exhausting. Let me clarify. Being around me isn't exhausting. Being around lots of other people is.
I really am looking forward to spending the 4th of July with family at a nearby lake. That should be relaxing. The 5th I will be at a son's home. That will be quiet and relaxing--I think. But then comes the 6th & 7th--two whole days in the grandstands with hundreds of people for the Jr. Olympic track and field competitions. Some of my grand-kids, along with all the other qualifying athletes from Alaska, Idaho, Montana, Oregon, and Washington, will be running, jumping, and throwing their very best in hopes of making it to Nationals.
Since I was able to make it through two days of State High School competition, I should be able to do two days again. At time like these I wish I were an extrovert, but I am not. I will just have to ignore the crowds, enjoy my family, and cheer for the young athletes. GO KIDS.
I really am celebrating all this activity. My plate is full of blessings. As I have been writing, I was remembering those first few holidays after my husband's imprisonment. My desire was to be alone--completely alone. I didn't want to go to my kids homes for barbecues. I didn't want to watch fireworks displays. I didn't want to have company or be company.
Loneliness wasn't a problem for me. It was the alone-ness. Whether in a crowd or in a small group, I no longer had my husband by my side. I was alone. I began to understand more of what people go through when a spouse dies. Alone-ness and loneliness are two completely different things.
So, in the beginning, I made the choice to experience and grow in "alone" by myself. That way I could cry, mourn, or feel sorry for myself without others crashing my private party. My tears would remain unseen. I wouldn't have to disguise my sadness. After all, I didn't want to throw a wet blanket on someone else's festivities. And my standard, "I'm doing fine", could remain unsaid. That was then, but this is now.
I thank God that I no longer struggle being "one" in a group of couples. I am still aware of it, but it does not initiate the "flight" urge in me. I was even caught by surprise recently when asked if my husband was with me. Ooops, I had forgotten I had one--that is a whole other issue.
So life goes on. Changes occur, growth happens, alone-ness fades, and celebrations are again anticipated with excitement. Isn't the Lord good?
Celebrating July 4th with thanksgiving,
Jan
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