I certainly had a surprise this morning. I was lying in bed listening to the morning news and thinking about what I was going to do today. This week had been a quiet one so far. I figured today would be the same, but decided to check my calendar on my cell phone just to be sure. The time was 8:20 a.m. and my calendar said, "Hair Appt. 9 a.m." WHAT! How did I not notice that earlier? I knew it was coming up, but today? In 40 minutes? It takes at least 20 minutes to get from here to there; and than means not having to stop for traffic lights. I've gotta fly.
Fly, I did. I threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth, ran a brush through my hair, slipped on some sandals (after I found them under the shirt I dropped on the floor last night), dismissed any thoughts of food, called the salon to let them know I would be a few minutes late, and ran out the door. I don't know how many times I have driven to town without ever having to stop at a stop light. Today wasn't one of those times. Every single light turned red just as I approached. Isn't that the way it goes when you're in a hurry? At least I got there on time, sort of--five minutes late, only to find my hairdresser/beautician/stylist/friend stuck on the phone waiting for a bank rep. to answer a couple questions. Whew, at least she wasn't waiting for me.
An hour later I was as beautiful as possible with my hair neatly trimmed and eyebrows waxed. It just didn't seem proper to run home, put on my work clothes, and finish cutting those pesky ferns I talked about yesterday. After all, my hair did look exceptionally good. What to do, what to do? Since I hadn't had enough time to eat breakfast earlier, I thought about grabbing something to eat before heading home, but decided not to. Then I thought about grabbing just a cup of coffee and a muffin.--something yummy, fattening, and not so healthy. Do I or don't I?
A brainstorm suddenly hit and I had my answer. The brainstorm was actually the Lord once again dropping the name of a friend into my mind. That had been happening quite a bit lately, but I had just been ignoring it and putting off calling her . She is dealing with a lot of emotional junk right now and might want to meet for coffee. It's been too long since we have done that. Deciding this was the time, I pulled over to the curb, gave my friend a call expecting her to say either, "Not today, I'm really busy" or "It will take me about an hour to get ready. Will that work?". To my surprise and delight, she was thrilled at the invitation and would come right down. Within fifteen minutes we were sitting at a cozy local coffee place catching up with each other's lives and enjoying the company and conversation.
As I drove home an hour later, I wondered why I hadn't called my friend when I had thought about her over the past weeks, especially when I knew she was going through a tough time. (or any friends, for that matter) I know I appreciated calls when I was really struggling with my own problems. Why don't I call to chat? Why don't I make dates for coffee or lunch?
In the process of excusing my behavior, I rehashed all the things I didn't want to do when friends were having difficulty. I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. I didn't want to intrude. I didn't want to... I didn't want to... Suddenly, I recognized it for what it really is--fear of failure. I'm afraid I will speak when I should be listening? I'm afraid I will ask questions when I don't need to know the answers? I'm afraid I will try to be lighthearted when I should be offering a tissue and a hug? Will I do the wrong thing at the wrong time? As a result of fearing failure by doing the wrong things, I just keep to myself, make excuses, and ultimately fail to be the friend I could be.
So,
Lord, I confess my fear and give it to you. I forgive those who planted that fear of failure in me (I will keep that private). I forgive myself for believing my fear is just part of who I am--a loner who doesn't need friends, a person who doesn't intrude into other peoples lives, a person who has no compassion. And forgive me for not believing your work in me.and for me. I know I am not meant to be a loner. I know I am a good listener. I know that I have the ability to love others just as you have loved me. I know that as you lead me, I will not be an intruder. And, Lord, help me see more and more of the person I truly am, and less and less of whom I think I am. Amen.
A renewal project in process,
Jan
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