Pastor Stanley, talking about those difficult times when what we want is different from what God wants for us, asked if we could honestly tell God this. "I want to want what you want me to want more than I want to want what I want." Most of us say, "I want to want what you want me to want, but I don't really want it. I want what I want."
There is a certain area in my life that fits into this category. It is an area I struggle with and try to ignore as much as possible. It is an area I made a decision about over a year ago, but have not acted on. I hesitate even admitting it or writing about it, but since I want the Lord to use this blog to speak to others going through similar difficult situations, I will pour out my struggle and reveal my human frailties. It might make sense. It might not, but here goes.
After my husband was sent to prison, the question that rattled around in my mushy brain concerned divorce. Do I or don't I. Is child molestation grounds, in God's eyes, for divorce or is it part of "for better or for worse"?
I was troubled, confused, and felt betrayed. I honestly didn't think there could be anything worse, yet my husband and I had made a covenant before God--a forever covenant--until death do us part. Well, there had already been a death, the death of our relationship. I already felt widowed even though my husband was very much alive. His Social Security was gone, just as if he had died. The house maintenance and yard work was stacking up, just as if he had died. I even felt like I had died, but knew I hadn't. I still got hungry, still needed sleep, and still walked around. In fact, I walked well, but aimlessly at times, like a stranger in my own home, not knowing where to go or what to do. And as I walked, I would cry. There had indeed been a death.
When I was finally able to put me feelings into words, I described myself as trying to keep my head above water in a raging sea while having a weight tied to my legs, a weight that pulled me down deeper and deeper. I was trying desperately to keep from drowning. That heavy weight, I felt, was my husband. Only God's promise that he would never let go kept me from going completely under.
I talked to my pastor. He, though against divorce, felt that in my situation divorce would be allowable. My husband, by his actions, had abdicated his roll as my husband, my provider, my protector. He had broken the covenant. BUT! There was a word I don't like. But, as pastor stressed, I needed to be absolutely certain what God's plan was. He told me if the plan included divorce, I would feel a release from my vows. I would know that was what God wanted for me, for my husband, and for our relationship. I needed to be absolutely certain because divorce, once done, couldn't be undone.
I occasionally prayed about the relationship, but mainly I ignored the issue. After all, I had at least eight years before he was released. In the back of my mind I just wanted to get rid of the past and start all over again with a clean slate. I didn't want to know what God wanted. It might be something entirely different than I wanted.
There was another line of reasoning that I still mull over from time to time. It goes like this. I have grandchildren in my life and will probably have great-grandchildren around within a few years, therefore if I were single and dating a man, then discovered he had molested children, I would immediately break off the relationship. With that line of thought, divorcing my husband fit perfectly.
I felt I was getting a clearer answer, so I told my kids that was the way I was leaning. I told friends that was what I felt I should do. I told my Dad, too. He said, "It's about time."
But I still wasn't sure that was what God wanted. It might have been only what I wanted.
So here I still sit five years later wanting to pray for God's clarity, guidance, and assurance in this matter, yet not wanting to receive God's clarity, guidance, and assurance. The answer I get might not be what I want. That line of thinking is completely silly since I don't even know what I want.
From the beginning I have been telling God that I know he has a plan in all this. I have told him I want to be a light to those also struggling. I want people to see how He is faithful, trustworthy,and loving. Yet there is part of me that adds an unspoken caveat to my prayers--a part of me that says, "And don't tell me how to do it. I have my own ideas; and they are good ones."
I do pray this, "God, I truly want what you desire for me." I do pray this because I know God's desires for me are the best. The problem is I still can't listen for his voice with an open heart and mind. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I chose not to listen with openness. So I wait. And while I wait, God is also waiting, patiently waiting, until I am ready and willing to give up my selfish, self-serving will for his perfect will.
I do not know what the future holds. The scary part now is I feel myself softening. I don't want to. I'm not ready to "after what he did to me and our family," but it's happening. And, I have to admit that I miss him. That is something new.
Now, is that God or the enemy? I don't really know at this point. Or do I? All I know for sure is I have not yet felt the Lord's release from my marriage vows.
Struggling with actually casting off my wants and putting on what the Lord wants for me; and not just going through the motions,
Jan
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